


these four words (i don't love you)

by nct127



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Cheating, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love, renjun and doyoung is a past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:48:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27466696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nct127/pseuds/nct127
Summary: There were a couple of things in life that Jisung was certain of.The sky was blue, he had way too many cat reaction pictures saved on his phone, the ice cream machine at his local McDonald’s was always broken, and he was in love with Renjun.-aka jisung is utterly in love with renjun
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Huang Ren Jun/Park Jisung
Comments: 29
Kudos: 88





	these four words (i don't love you)

**Author's Note:**

> *pees a little* enjoy
> 
> title from these four words by the maine

There were a couple of things in life that Jisung was certain of.

The sky was blue, he had way too many cat reaction pictures saved on his phone, the ice cream machine at his local McDonald’s was always broken, and he was in love with Renjun.

Okay, maybe the last one hadn’t been as obvious to him at first.

There were more things that Jisung had been certain about: Huang Renjun was two years older than him and a transfer student who decided to spend his senior year of college in a foreign country. He was witty, charismatic, sweet. Jisung swore there hadn’t been a single thing Renjun  _ couldn’t _ do- The roster of his talents seemed almost endless. He took care of Jisung through his restless nights and eventful days. He’d bring Jisung meals when he knew Jisung had been in the dance studio for hours on end. He brought Jisung medicine and nursed him back to health when he was sick.

Renjun had given him so many reasons as to why Jisung should fall in love with him. Jisung just hadn’t been sure if Renjun necessarily knew that.

Here’s where Jisung’s confusion had lied:

Jaemin adored Jisung. He cuddled him and cared for him, constantly called him cute, and made sure he was fed. He called Jisung by every pet name under the sun and quite possibly knew Jisung better than he had known himself.

If Jaemin had treated him this way and had done so for years, why hadn’t he fallen for Jaemin instead? Why was it so  _ different _ when Renjun did all those things?

Jisung would never date Jaemin. The thought made him want to throw up. Jaemin was like a brother to him. So why would he push Jaemin away when he tried kissing Jisung’s cheeks, but (in some alternate universe where he was brave enough) pull Renjun in to kiss him on the lips instead?

It made no sense. Jisung figured this tiny feeling he had would eventually go away. They always did. Jisung had small crushes all the time. He’d be fine.

Or maybe not and maybe that tiny feeling in the pit of his stomach had grown and wrapped itself around his heart as well. Now there had been no denying that Jisung liked Renjun. He couldn’t lie to himself any longer.

Renjun was a support system. Out of anyone in their friend group, even including Chenle and Jaemin, he would turn to Renjun first.

Renjun was calm. He was thoughtful. He understood Jisung’s emotions and knew when to try and pry for information and when Jisung simply needed to forget. He wasn’t too overbearing. He made Jisung feel safe and feel comfortable.

When Jisung had lost a dance competition he had been working hard for, their friend group consoled him. They told him he did well and that the person that won hadn’t even been all that great anyway. Jisung’s heart still ached.

They took him out to what was supposed to be a celebration dinner, and the conversation went back to their normal bickering and joking around. Jisung sat silently, picking at his food. Renjun put a hand on his knee.

“You’re going to be okay.” Renjun leaned over and whispered to him. The small touch and the simple sentence sent Jisung bawling, and he was quick to get up and run towards the bathroom. 

Renjun quickly followed after, telling the others he’d check up on him when they all looked up in confusion.

Jisung’s whole body shook as he sobbed into his hands. He knew that his makeup would undoubtedly be ruined, but he hadn’t cared much. He would apologize to Donghyuck later for ruining his work.

His whole world felt like he had crumbled. All the hard work he had put into his performance simply meant nothing. His brain criticized every single detail of his choreography, wishing he had changed something or replaced a certain move. Everything that he had worked on suddenly felt mediocre at best. 

Jisung didn’t realize someone else had come into the bathroom till he felt his head being pressed against a shoulder.

“You’re going to be okay,” The person spoke. Jisung knew it was Renjun. He sobbed harder.

Renjun had a hand behind Jisung’s head, keeping his face buried into the crook of his shoulder. The other arm was wrapped around Jisung’s tall frame, comfortingly rubbing at his back.

Jisung wrapped his arms around Renjun’s waist, bending his knees slightly so he could fit against the shorter boy. Renjun might’ve been physically smaller than him, but at that moment, Jisung felt like he had been the size of an ant.

Jisung didn’t want to hear that he did great. He didn’t want to hear someone talk trash about his competitors. He didn’t want to hear that there always was the next time and that he was a winner in their eyes.

He just wanted to know he was going to be okay. He’d recover from this one performance, and it wouldn’t be the end of his future dance career. He just wanted to cry it out and be allowed to freely cry it out without anyone shushing him or telling him to stop his tears.

Renjun let him do that. He didn’t speak anymore. He simply held Jisung in his arms, rubbing along his back and gently petting his hair. He hummed softly into Jisung’s ear until Jisung’s body finally stopped shaking, and his sobs minimized to sniffles and hiccups.

When Renjun pulled away, Jisung almost wanted to protest. He almost wanted to pull Renjun in again and be held by the older man. But Renjun moved fast, and suddenly his hands were cupping Jisung’s face.

“I’ll take you home,” He started, his thumbs wiping away the few stray tears that cascaded from Jisung’s eyes. “We can order pizza and watch  _ Frozen _ all you want, baby.”

Jisung’s heart fluttered at the nickname. 

Jisung was still undoubtedly upset. He had a good amount of tears left in his system and wasn’t completely sure how many cries it would take to get them all out.

However, his chest and his heart felt so warm. Jisung wasn’t completely sure what love was supposed to look or feel like. He just knew that when he looked at Renjun, he was undoubtedly in love with him.

“You can wait outside; I’ll tell the others you weren’t feeling well and grab our things.” Renjun gently patted Jisung’s cheek. “Wash your face. I’ll buy you a bottle of water on the way out.” Jisung simply nodded at Renjun’s instructions.

“You’re going to be okay,” Renjun repeated. Jisung believed him.

-

Renjun continued to be a support system for Jisung.

Jisung was still distraught from the results of the competition and spent the days following moping around.

Renjun, of course, couldn’t have that.

He checked up on Jisung daily, spending most of his time either with Jisung or texting Jisung. He’d send Jisung stupid cat videos he found on Twitter or update him on something stupid Mark had said.

Jisung skipped out on a couple of their group hangouts. A few whined in the group chat, insisting he should come out so they can cheer him up. Renjun just replied, that it was fine and hoped Jisung could come out with them next time.

It took a month for Jisung to decide he wanted to go back out with his friends. He’d mostly gotten over the competition and had finally voluntarily stepped back into the dance studio last weekend. Renjun told him he was proud of him when Jisung messaged him about it.

They all ended up in a bar somewhere in Hongdae. The group had immediately brought Jisung into a bone-crushing hug, and Jaemin, of course, tried to leave the wettest kisses on his cheeks. Unfortunately, he was successful in doing so.

Jisung felt at home with the six of them. He hadn’t felt like he had been MIA for the past couple of weeks, and things just fell back into their normal routine.

Jaemin and Jeno were in their own little world, Chenle talked to him about some let’s play he had been watching, Donghyuck and Renjun bickered over the table, Mark was….Mark. He simply did his best to make sure no one would be murdered.

“All I’m saying is that I think it’s possible Renjun has a secret boyfriend back home in China,” Jisung heard Jaemin say. He whipped his head around, completely facing away from Chenle as he spoke about a new update about some game they played together.

“I don’t,” Renjun didn’t look up at Jaemin, simply stirring his drink with the small straw that had been provided.

“I haven’t seen you flirt or even really show interest in  _ anyone _ since you’ve transferred here.” Jaemin continued, practically putting his whole body weight on the table as he leaned in.   
  


“Nobody on campus is really my type,” Renjun shrugged. Jisung’s heart twinged.

“I think you mean none of the  _ students _ are really your type. But the professors and staff…” Donghyuck trailed off before taking a sip of his drink.

“Oh?” Jaemin’s grinned widened, his eyebrows raising. “Does Injunnie have a thing for older men?”

“ _ Yeah! _ Oh my god, one time, I caught him and Kun fucking on the third floor of the library. I didn’t expect Renjun to be-  _ OW!” _ Donghyuck was interrupted as Renjunn jabbed him in the ribs.

“ _ Shut. Up. _ ” He spoke through gritted teeth.

“Kun? As in Qian Kun? Librarian Kun? Freshly divorced, single dad Kun?” Jaemin gasped. “Who knew Injunnie could be so  _ naughty? _ ”

“Jaemin, the only thing that’s stopping me from hurting you too is the fact that there is a table between us.”

“Wait till you find out he’s recently been sleeping around with Doyoung.” Renjun’s eyes widened, and he quickly slapped his hand over Donghyuck’s mouth.

“That was supposed to be a  _ secret _ ,” He said in a harsh whisper, but they could all hear it anyway.

“Alright,” Mark let out a nervous laugh. Let’s change the subject, yeah? Uhm- These chips are pretty good, aren’t they?” He picked up the basket of styrofoam-like chips that had been free with their drinks.

“Wait, Doyoung, as in my brother?” Jeno spoke up.

-

So there are a few more things Jisung was certain about.

Renjun was perfect in every way. He knew what to say when to say it, how to say it. Jisung thought maybe he should become a therapist.

Renjun simply learned every song off  _ Frozen _ so they could sing along together whenever they decided to watch it for the hundredth time.

Renjun’s Twitter timeline was full of nothing but cat videos, much like a single forty-eight-year-old aunt who loved her cats a bit too much.

Renjun liked older men.

Jisung himself was not an older man.

And finally, Jisung knew that Renjun did  _ not _ like him.

It wasn’t an assumption. It was a fact.

Donghyuck hadn’t been lying when he said Renjun and Doyoung had been hooking up. Because after a couple of weeks, Renjun officially announced to them all that they had started dating.

Jisung hated every single second of it. Renjun would go on about something Doyoung did or something Doyoung said. He’d talk about their dates, and Jeno would remind Renjun of family gatherings that he was invited to. He was a part of the family now.

Renjun would sometimes skip out on their usual hang out nights to spend time with Doyoung or go on a date. He always apologized and said he’d make up for it, but Doyoung was a busy man with a busy schedule. He was an actual adult with actual responsibilities, and sometimes they had to schedule dates a week ahead so Doyoung could find a way to make it work.

Jisung couldn’t hate Renjun for it, nor could he hate Doyoung. He’d only personally met Doyoung once, when Renjun had been far too drunk, and the subways were closed. Jisung often played the part of the sober friend and had to take care of Renjun as he stumbled through allies. Desperate times had called for desperate measures, and Jisung ended up pulling Renjun’s phone out of his pocket to call Doyoung to pick him up.

Doyoung was nice enough to give him a ride back home. It was awkward. It was silent. Well, silent besides the fact that Renjun had been gagging and occasionally puking on the leather seats of Doyoung’s expensive car.

Jisung figured he should be happy for Renjun. Renjun was happy, and his relationship seemed healthy. At the end of the day, if he loved someone, he should want them to be happy, right?

But it hadn’t been easy for him. Not in the slightest bit.

He desperately did try to be happy for Renjun. It’s not like he wanted Renjun to suffer or anything. But his heart ached whenever Renjun brought up his boyfriend. The one who got to hug and kiss Renjun whenever he pleased.

It was even harder when Renjun continued to do everything that made Jisung fall in love with him in the first place.

Jisung had gotten sick over winter break. It wasn’t anything super serious, just the flu. Renjun lost his mind when he found out.

The rest of their friends had gone back home for the break. Jeno and Doyoung headed to Busan. Mark and Donghyuck flew to Canada, so Donghyuck could meet his family. Jaemin and his parents went on a family vacation to Japan. Chenle had flown back to China.

Originally, Jisung was supposed to head down to Daegu to meet a couple of cousins there, but his trip had been cut when he had been too sick to travel. Renjun simply just didn’t want to spend the money on flying back home just for the holidays.

“Did you  _ not _ get your flu shot like I told you to?” Renjun asked, dragging in a large tote bag full of groceries. “I told you you needed a heavier jacket, but you  _ insisted _ you were fine with your hoodies.”

“Hyung,” Jisung croaked out, his voice hoarse from all the coughing and hacking he had been doing. “I’ll be okay.”

“I know you will,” Renjun said confidently. “I’m here now to nurse you back to health.”

Essentially, Renjun had become his roommate for the next couple of days. He forced Jisung to stay in bed unless he had to use the bathroom or shower. Even his meals had been brought to him on a tray, so Jisung didn’t have to get up. Renjun would replace the damp towel on Jisung’s forehead every couple of hours and force him to scoot over so they could watch a Disney movie together.

“You’re gonna get sick,” Jisung whined, but he still made space for Renjun on his tiny bed. 

Jisung was right. Renjun got sick days before their winter break ended.

-

Nobody expected Renjun and Doyoung’s breakup. It happened so suddenly. Everything seemed to be fine one day and then terrible the next. 

No, but literally.

Jeno and Doyoung’s parents had decided to go on a skiing trip barely a month after winter break. It was only for a weekend, so they wouldn’t be missing much. Jaemin and Renjun had joined after being invited by their boyfriends.

Things started amazingly. They had rented a beautiful cabin somewhere up in the mountains, just a couple of hours outside of Seoul. They all, of course, had taken up the first hour of their trip taking pictures to immediately post onto their social media. Jisung saw it all, including the (disgusting) selfie of them kissing. Renjun’s cheeks and nose were tinged pink from the cold. Jisung wanted to throw his phone against the wall because of how cute he was.

The day came and went, and the next day had been a bore. Jisung had just pulled his bowl of ramen from the convenience store microwave when he got a text.

_ Don’t bring up Doyoung in the group chat. Don’t even bring up the trip. _

It was Jaemin. Everyone but Renjun had been added to the new group chat.

Donghyuck immediately responded with a couple of question marks before Jisung could. He simply emphasized the message. All the others, besides Jeno, did the same. 

_ They got into a really bad fight. Not our place to tell. We’re coming home tonight. _

Jisung suddenly didn’t feel hungry anymore.

-

The three of them returned to Seoul late into the night. Jaemin and Jeno took turns updating them in the separate group chat.

_ he just screamed out the window _

_ renjun made jeno stop at a mcdonalds for a mcflurry but they werent serving them anymore so he started crying _

_ he finally fell asleep. _

_ he woke up but he’s crying again. _

_ we just got back to seoul but we’re gonna make him spend the night at ours. _

Jisung couldn’t go to bed. His head had been full of worry for Renjun. He didn’t know what to do and whether he should ask Renjun what had happened or just give him space. It made him feel slightly bad; Renjun always knew what to say or do with him when he was upset, but here Jisung was, not knowing what Renjun would want most.

Two, three, four, five AM came and left. Jisung laid in his bed, not moving a single limb since he had first slipped under the covers.

Then his phone vibrated. The Kakao notification rang in his AirPods. Then it did again and again. Jisung finally moved to grab it.

His lock screen had been flooded with notifications from the group chat but from only one person. Renjun.

_ I hate doyoung. _

_ hes fucking garbage. I fucking hate him. _

_ why are men so fucking stupid _

_ I hate doyoung _

_ how trashy do you have to be to not only cheat on your boyfriend but then also talk shit about them behind their back lol _

_ im immature?? How the fuck am i immature?? I havent done shit. hes the immature one. _

_ I fucking hate doyoung _

_ jeno your brother is a fucking bitch _

_ doyoung wasn’t even good in bed anyway. _

_ fuck doyoung _

_ did i say how much i fucking hate doyoung? _

  
  


No one else had seen Renjun’s messages. It made sense. Most of them didn’t wake up till the afternoon. Jisung was only awake because he hadn’t fallen asleep yet.

He sat up in his bed, looking down at his phone, his thumbs hovering over the keyboard. It had been a lot to process through his sleep-deprived brain. He wasn’t sure what to type. How do you respond to messages like that? Especially when you didn’t know the entire story?

His AirPods started ringing, and Renjun’s contact appeared on the screen. It took him a couple of seconds to accept the call.

“Sungie?” Renjun’s voice sounded sore, almost how Jisung’s did when he was ill.

“Hi, Hyung.” His voice was quiet, almost cautious. He was wary, already trying to tiptoe around the conversation as to not mess up. He didn’t want to unintentionally make Renjun even more upset.

“Did I wake you up?” Renjun sniffled. “I’m sorry if I did. You can hang up. I just saw your little icon saying you were typing, and I think you’re the only one who is awake and-”

“Hyung,” Jisung cut Renjun off. “Hyung, please breathe.”

Jisung can hear the shaky breath Renjun took in before he started sobbing again. Jisung could feel his heart shatter.

“I just don’t understand, Jisung. I don’t get it,” He cried. “I feel so pathetic. I feel stupid. I just- I can’t believe I let myself be used like that.”

Jisung wasn’t sure what to say. He just let Renjun vent for a second.

“Am I a bitch?” Renjun blubbered.

“What- No! No, no, no, Hyung, you’re not. Who said that? What  _ happened? _ ” Jisung was quick to get out.

Things still felt confusing, even though he got the general idea of what had gone down, through both Jaemin and Jeno’s updates and Renjun’s messages. Jisung could only assume that Renjun and Doyoung had gotten into a fight because Doyoung had cheated.

Renjun loudly sniffled again. “Everything was going  _ fine _ . The first day went so well. I met his parents, and they were so sweet to me and made me feel so comfortable, and it was just  _ amazing _ , Jisung. And I thought like, holy shit, maybe Doyoung is the one. We’ve only been dating for like two months, but there was just something about him that just- I don’t know. I don’t know!” Renjun sobbed. His cries sounded muffled like he had been sobbing into something to stop himself from being loud. Presumably, it was so that he didn’t wake up Jeno and Jaemin.

“I know what you mean,” Jisung said. He had meant it. “You don’t have to tell me everything right now if you don’t feel ready to.”

“No, no, it’s okay.” Renjun choked out before he continued his story. “The second day started  _ so good _ also! Jeno’s mom, Jaemin, and I were making breakfast for everyone, and it was so much fun, and we all planned to play some stupid ass games after dinner. We did some skiing and other stupid shit before Doyoung and I decided to take a nap, and I guess he woke up and went somewhere but forgot his phone? It kept going off, so it woke me up, and I looked and- there were just all these texts from someone on his lock screen, and they were  _ so _ flirty. I know it’s bad, and I know I shouldn’t snoop, but I just had this  _ feeling, _ so I went through his phone, and-” Renjun was sent into another fit of tears.

“You’re doing good, Hyung,” Jisung spoke in a soft voice, not knowing what else to say. Jisung hated how terrible he was at comforting people.

“There were  _ so _ many messages. He cheated on me, Jisung. He’s been cheating since the week after we made it official. And there were so many messages just talking shit about me. He said I was immature, annoying, bitchy. He acted like I was a burden in his life. I just- I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

“You didn’t do anything.” Jisung quickly replied. “You didn’t deserve it, Hyung. I’m sorry.” 

The line went silent for a couple of seconds, apart from Renjun’s sniffles and hiccups. Jisung felt useless. He wasn’t sure how to help and wondered if Renjun would hang up the call and regret even calling him.

“Can I come over?”

“Huh?”

“I just- I don’t know. I don’t wanna be alone, but Jaemin and Jeno are asleep, and I don’t wanna wake them up. I think you’re the only person who is up and would be willing to deal with me. It’s alright if I can’t, I understand. It’s early. You probably just wanna go back to bed.”

Jisung glanced over at the alarm clock by his bed. 5:45 AM. The subways should’ve opened by then.

“You can come over,” Jisung spoke softly. “Just be safe, okay? The subways should be open.” Jisung realized it would take probably an hour for Renjun to get there if he took the subway. They ran weird in the mornings, and if you missed one, you had to wait thirty minutes for the next. “Or you can take a taxi. I’ll pay for it.”

“Jisung, I can’t bother you anymore-”

“Hyung, please listen to me. You haven’t bothered me. If you want me to call you a taxi, I’ll do it. It’s the least I can do for all the times you’ve comforted me. Let me do this for you. Please.” Jisung pleaded. For whatever reason, he felt like he was on the verge of tears himself. His chest felt tight.

“Okay. Okay, you can call a taxi. I’m at Jeno and Jaemin’s place right now. Do you need the address?”

-

Jisung had done as he said. He ordered Renjun a cab through some car service app he had on his phone, cringing at the sight of the price. His bank account would hate him for that later, but he still hit  _ Confirm Ride. _

Renjun arrived just a little over twenty minutes later. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, and his nose and cheeks had been tinted pink from rubbing at them so much. He swam in a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt that Jisung assumed he had taken from Jaemin, and Jisung was pretty certain the slippers he wore were meant to be for in the house only.

Neither of them spoke much, not even a verbal greeting at the door. Renjun immediately just wrapped his arms around Jisung and cried into his chest. Jisung stumbled a bit but wrapped his arms back around Renjun.

They eventually found themselves squished onto Jisung’s tiny mattress. Renjun’s cries had subdued to soft sniffles as they cuddled close.

“You’ll be okay,” Jisung eventually said, reminiscing what Renjun had said to him after his competition.

Renjun let out a weak laugh, nodding. “Yeah, I will be. Thank you, Sungie.” He laid his head against Jisung’s chest.

The circumstances weren’t ideal (They actually sucked,) but Jisung almost felt like this was how it was supposed to be. The two of them, lying in bed, cuddled up close to each other. His heart started beating a bit faster. He hoped Renjun wouldn’t be able to tell.

They fell asleep at about seven in the morning. Jisung was certain they would’ve been asleep until dinner time if it hadn’t been for Jaemin and Jeno blowing up their phones, asking Renjun where he was, and Jisung if he had seen or spoken to Renjun.

-

Renjun and Jisung had been inseparable from that night on.

Renjun had been the clingy one, but it wasn’t like Jisung minded that.

His arm would always be linked with Jisung’s, keeping the younger boy close to him as they walked. When they went out with friends, Renjun made sure he always got the seat next to Jisung’s. If Jisung couldn’t hang out because he was going to be busy, Renjun skipped out as well. Most nights and days were spent with Jisung, watching random Disney movies, and eating trashy food from the convenience store by Jisung’s building.

Jisung didn’t mind. Not only because, well, he was in  _ love _ with Renjun, but he simply wanted to be there for him. When Jisung had been distraught about the dance competition, Renjun had been there for him pretty much twenty-four-seven. Jisung figured Renjun could’ve possibly wanted the same. 

So Renjun coming over on a Thursday night after his class finished wasn’t out of the ordinary. It was so ordinary at that point that Jisung had already gone to the convenience store and picked up a few of their favorite snacks.

“You should get a projector.” Renjun pointed out, immediately making himself at home by shucking off his jacket and throwing it in the closet. “So we don’t have to keep watching movies on your laptop.”

Jisung thought about it for a second. “You know I don’t have that type of money, though.” He logged into his Disney+ account, which really wasn’t his. He had stolen the password from Donghyuck, who had stolen it from Jeno.

“Potential Christmas gift?” Renjun took off his boots, leaving them at the doorway without putting them on the shoe rack. They’d live.

“You’re a little early for that,” Jisung scrolled through, wondering which of the many films they should watch first. “Or a little late. I guess it depends on how you see it.”

“Ah, it’s never too early to spoil my favorite boy.” Renjun cooed, walking over to the couch where Jisung had been. He flopped himself down but pinched one of Jisung’s cheeks. Jisung’s ears turned pink, and he whined.

“You sound like Jaemin.”

Renjun grimaced and pulled his hand away from Jisung’s cheek. “Can’t I talk about how you’re my favorite boy without being compared to  _ him? _ ”

Jisung shook his head. “Not when you used that sort of voice. It’s pretty much the same voice Jaemin always uses on me.”

“ _ Fine, _ ” Renjun said, leaning forward to grab a bag of chips from the coffee table. “Next time I say anything nice about you, I’ll use my normal voice.”

Jisung was thankful the room was dimmed, and Renjun wouldn’t be able to see the way his cheeks flushed.

After two movies and many position changes on the couch, the two decided to switch over to Jisung’s bed.

Even though it was tiny, it was a hundred times more comfortable than the couch. They could both somewhat comfortably lay down together without Renjun whining about Jisung’s long legs kicking him for what seemed like the sixtieth time that night.

They hadn’t even been watching a movie anymore. His laptop rested at the end of his bed, the sounds of  _ Moana _ just barely heard. 

“I absolutely  _ do _ think it’s necessary to follow that many cat profiles on Twitter,” Renjun spoke, gently slapping his chest.

“But don’t they all post the same thing?!”

“No! They’re all different! They all have their own personalities!” Renjun whined, pouting up at Jisung. Jisung just laughed softly.

Things were silent for a couple of seconds, but it hadn’t been uncomfortable or awkward. Sometimes they had just run out of things to talk about, and that was okay. Just being in each other’s presence was enough.

“Hey, Jisung?” Renjun spoke softly. Jisung let out a hum of acknowledgment, tipping his head down so he could look at Renjun.

“Thank you for being with me these past couple of weeks. Like, dealing with all my emotional bullshit, and the clinginess, and just, in general, helping me forget about everything.” Renjun smiled softly up at the other boy, carefully brushing away a strand of hair from Jisung’s face.

“Hyung..” Jisung replied, his tone matching Renjun’s. “You know you don’t have to thank me. You did the same when I was upset about the competition. I’m just...returning the favor, I guess.”

“I still need to thank you, brat,” Renjun’s hand fell from Jisung’s hair to Jisung’s cheek, pinching the soft skin once again. “Really. Thank you. It means a lot to me that you haven’t just kicked me out by now or get annoyed when I sometimes spend the night because I don’t wanna go home.”

Jisung gave him a small smile, putting his much larger hand against Renjun’s. “I’m here for you, Hyung. Always.”

Renjun smiled back, his thumb running along Jisung’s cheekbone, although Jisung had rested his hand against his.

His eyes flickered from Jisung’s to Jisung’s lips, then back to his eyes again. Jisung figured he had been making it up in his head.

“Whoever ends up dating you is gonna be so lucky, Sungie.” Renjun’s voice had been lower than before, and his eyes flickered between his eyes and his lips again. Jisung didn’t reply.

He was sure his entire face and his ears had flushed bright red. His heart had begun beating so fast that he swore he could hear the blood rushing through his veins. 

Renjun was affectionate. Renjun was touchy. Maybe not with some of their other friends, but definitely with Jisung. Renjun had never been this affectionate before with him, though.

Jisung blinked. Then he blinked again. And before he knew it, Renjun had already moved his face close to Jisung’s.

“Can I kiss you?” Renjun whispered. Jisung could feel his breath hit his skin. He could feel their lips just barely grazing against each other.

Jisung didn’t think, just nodded. That was all Renjun needed before he pressed their lips together.

It took a couple of seconds for his brain to figure out what was happening and what to do in response. He stayed frozen, incredibly shocked, asking himself if this had been  _ real _ until his brain told him to stop being so dumb and kiss Renjun back, considering that this may never happen again.

Renjun was in control. He led most of the kiss. Jisung had just sort of followed along. His lips tasted like the chocolates they had just snacked on a couple of minutes prior.

There were now a couple of more things he was certain about. Renjun was a good kisser, and his lips were incredibly soft. He’d have to ask for chapstick recommendations later.

The kiss hadn’t been a long one, but it certainly had been more than just a quick peck on the lips. When Renjun pulled away, he smiled, letting out a breathy laugh. “You’re so cute.”

Jisung whined and hid his face in his pillow.

-

Never in a million years did Jisung see his crush on Renjun going anywhere.

You see, Jisung hated confrontation. Hated anything having to do with it or actually having to talk about his  _ feelings _ (He shudders even thinking about it.) He swore he’d never even tell Renjun he even had a crush on him.

And he didn’t. At least not yet.

But Jisung felt like he didn’t necessarily need to at the moment. Because even without telling Renjun about his feelings, Renjun still  _ kissed _ him. Then did it again, and again, and again.

Their relationship had gone far past a typical platonic relationship.

Jisung swore the others could sense something was up with the both of them as well. Renjun continued to be clingy to Jisung, but somehow it had amplified. Instead of linking arms, he held Jisung’s hand, and he always greeted Jisung with a kiss on his cheek even if their friends had been around.

He’d always walk Jisung to the subway, and some nights would even take the subway with him to drop him off at his apartment. He always kissed him goodbye.

Renjun would still come over. They’d play around, and even Jisung had noticed himself become a lot braver with his affection. He’d initiate hugs or cuddles, or when he was feeling particularly brave, he’d kiss Renjun unprompted.

Jisung wasn’t sure what had been going on with them, but he liked it. It was the closest he had gotten to living out his gay fantasies with Renjun. The only thing that had been missing was a label. What had they been? Jisung wasn’t sure. They certainly weren’t  _ just _ friends. Jisung didn’t go around kissing all his friends or cuddling them till they fell asleep. He wasn’t  _ in  _ love with them. But they also hadn’t been boyfriends. It was confusing. Jisung wanted to be Renjun’s boyfriend, and Renjun to be his boyfriend. But he didn’t want to ruin what they had. So he did what he did best: Said nothing.

-

“Are you and Renjun dating?” Chenle said suddenly. Jisung choked on his water.

They hadn’t physically been together, but it was one of the rarer nights where Renjun wasn’t over at his place. Jisung had quickly jumped onto the chance to play a game with Chenle and hop onto Discord. He had missed his best friend, though he wouldn’t say it. It would get to Chenle’s head (and God knows it was big enough already.)

“What?” Jisung coughed, wiping at his now soaked shirt. At least it hadn’t gotten on his PC or gaming equipment.

“Are you and Renjun dating?” Chenle over-enunciated each word. “You guys have been...weird with each other. You’re like...oddly close to each other nowadays. You also haven’t been playing games with me much lately.”

Jisung sighed, leaning back in his gaming chair. “Not...officially, I guess.”

“ _ What? _ ” Chenle nearly screeched into his microphone. Jisung flinched at the sudden noise. “I was just- I don’t know, I said it and didn’t even really mean it? Like, haha funsies, just joking around. You guys  _ actually _ have something going on? I thought you guys were clingy because...I don’t know! I don’t know, I just wasn’t actually expecting something to be going on between you two.”

“Chenle,” Jisung groaned, resting his elbows against his desk. “You’re stupid. I thought, like, everyone knew something was going on between us. But we’re not dating.”

“So..what’s up?”

“I don’t know. We don’t have a label. We never talked about it. We kiss-”

“Gross”

“Shut up. Anyways, we kiss and cuddle and stuff, but- we’re not dating? I don’t know. It’s weird.”

Chenle left the lobby of the game they were playing. Jisung followed.

“Do you  _ want _ to date him?”

“I mean- Yeah. I really do. I’ve basically been in love with him since we met him.” Jisung sighed, putting his head in his hands.

“You’ve liked him for that long?! And you didn’t tell me?” Chenle said with faux anger. Jisung could perfectly picture his face.

“You have a big mouth. And I was trying to sort out my feelings about it too. Like, wondering if it’s one of those small crushes that went away or not. But then the competition happened, and he and Doyoung, and I just...never wanted to tell anyone in case it just...I don’t know, fixed itself?”

“Why don’t you ask him out?”

Jisung laughed. “ _ Me  _ asking  _ him _ out? Are you insane?”

“Just a little bit. But okay, listen to me. I know it’s pretty shitty to say, but like, what if the universe sort of made Doyoung an asshole so they could break up? It’s like the universe told you to shoot your shot with Renjun. And you did, right? Things have been working out?”

“But what if he doesn’t-” Chenle cut him off.

“What? Doesn’t like you? I don’t think Renjun would be all up on you and kissing you and stealing you from your  _ best friend _ if he didn’t like you. I think you should just go for it.”

Jisung’s stomach twisted in anxiety just from the thought of revealing his feelings to Renjun. He sat up again, clutching his stomach to try and ease the feeling.

“I don’t know, Chenle.”

“ _ Do it. _ Maybe not right now, but eventually. I think you’d feel better once you got your feelings off your chest. 

-

Jisung thought a lot about what he and Chenle talked about. He and Renjun continued to “see” each other.

There were certain moments when Jisung and Renjun kissed, or when they’d lay in bed together doing nothing, that Jisung almost felt brave enough to just admit all his feelings right then and there. He had gotten close to doing it a couple of times.

But then there were times where Jisung would overthink all the possibilities and sob his eyes out at his apartment. It completely devoured him. Anxiety would creep up his skin like millions of little ants before sinking their teeth into him. He suddenly wouldn’t be able to breathe or able to move. Simply paralyzed wherever he had been as he just cried, and cried, and cried. He cried until he couldn’t anymore.

Jisung knew it wasn’t healthy.

He knew he shouldn’t have to suffer, especially over something as stupid as a  _ crush.  _ It ate him up, destroyed his mental health, and made him the most insecure he thought he had ever been in his life. He knew that it was time to finally just get it out. The pain of keeping it in had far outweighed the anxiety of telling Renjun at that point.

Jisung didn’t make a concrete plan. He simply just told himself to do it the next time he had felt overwhelmed with love because of Renjun.

That didn’t take very long.

They had been in Renjun’s dorm room this time. Renjun didn’t have any classes that day. He still picked Jisung up from his last one. They returned to Renjun’s dorm, and Renjun had already ordered a pizza for them to share before they either laid in bed or watched a movie. Maybe both. 

Renjun doted on Jisung as usual. He complimented the outfit he had chosen and cooed at how full Jisung’s cheeks had been looking. He asked how Jisung’s class went, what he learned. He listened intently to every word Jisung said.

It was hard not to fall in love with Huang Renjun.

Jisung’s heart felt like it was about to burst. He felt so overwhelmed with love, nearly to the point of tears. Jisung thought it was stupid how little it took him to get to that point. 

“Hyung?” Jisung croaked out. He kept his eyes on his lap.

“Hm?” Renjun responded. He had been on the other side of the room, presumably turning on the television to get started on the many movies they watched.

Jisung’s throat closed up. He began to sob.

Renjun almost immediately turned around as he heard Jisung’s cries. He nearly threw the remote against the wall as he rushed over to Jisung.

Renjun kneeled, his arms wrapping around Jisung, who had been sitting on the carpeted floor. “Baby, what’s wrong?” Renjun spoke, concern laced through his face. He brought Jisung’s head to his chest.

“I just- I-” Jisung could barely get out a coherent word. He was on the verge of hyperventilating.

“It’s okay, baby. Take your time. Focus on your breathing first, alright? Breathe with me.”

Renjun took in a breath. Jisung took in a shaky breath. Renjun exhaled. Jisung exhaled. It continued for a while.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Renjun asked once again when Jisung had calmed down slightly. He could at least let out a few coherent words.

“I love you.”

Renjun looked at him, confused. “You know I love you too.”

Jisung shook his head, pushing himself away from Renjun’s body. “No, I  _ love  _ you. I’m in love with you.” His voice was hoarse, shaking with every single word. He was on the verge of sobbing again. “I’ve loved you for so long, but then you got with Doyoung, and then that ended, and we started kissing and stuff and- It’s been  _ killing  _ me. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t wanna end whatever we had, but it killed me keeping all my feelings bottled in.” Jisung spoke quickly, barely stopping to take a breath. Renjun still understood him.

He gave Jisung a sad look. He wrapped his arms around his torso as he looked at the younger boy across from him. “Oh, Jisung...I’m sorry. I don’t love you. Not in the way you want me to. ” Jisung immediately began sobbing again. Renjun didn’t reach out to hold him again.

“I’m sorry. Jisung, if I had known, I wouldn’t have led you on like this. I’m sorry.” Renjun apologized. Jisung could only continue crying. His head hurt, his chest hurt, his heart hurt. Jisung wasn’t sure if he had ever endured this much pain in his life before.

Renjun had wanted to reach out and console the boy, but he hadn’t been sure if that would make things worse. For the first time, Renjun wasn’t sure what to do. Maybe it was because he was personally involved in the situation that made Jisung upset. He was the reason why Jisung was sobbing on his dorm floor.

“I’m sorry,” Renjun repeated. “I didn’t mean to lead you on or make it seem like I felt that way about you.”

Jisung didn’t necessarily want Renjun to feel bad about not feeling the same towards him. He understood Renjun couldn’t control his feelings and whether he fell for him or not but part of his heart felt betrayed.

Renjun’s mouth felt dry, and his throat felt clogged. He wasn’t sure what to say to Jisung or how to say it. Why had he done what he’d done? Renjun wasn’t completely sure himself.

“When Doyoung and I broke up, you were always there for me,” Renjun picked at the carpet they sat on. “And I appreciate that, Jisung. I really do. Please don’t think I ever took advantage of your kindness. I don’t know how I would’ve been doing if you hadn’t been there to distract me and help me get through it.”

Renjun cleared his throat. His eyes quickly glanced up. Jisung had still been crying. His body shook with each sob. Renjun looked away.

“I don’t know why I kissed you that first time or why I continued. It did  _ feel _ nice, I don’t know, I guess I didn’t know my intentions behind it? Or what it could’ve made you feel? It was selfish. I’m sorry. I guess I just craved affection and the feeling of being loved after what happened with Doyoung. You gave me both of those things so willingly, but at your expense. I’m sorry, Jisung. I really am.”

Jisung wiped his eyes and nose with the sleeve of his sweater before shakily pushing himself off the floor. He stumbled a bit but regained his balance soon after. He wasn’t sure how he’d get home in this state, maybe he’d call Chenle or Jaemin to pick him up. But he knew he hadn’t wanted to be there anymore. He didn’t want to be reminded Renjun didn’t love him.

“Jisungie, please know that I still love you and care about you, and you’re so important-”

Jisung cut him off. “Stop,” He croaked out weakly. He grabbed his bag. “Stop it, please. Please just leave me alone for a while.”

Renjun looked up at him. Tears had welled up in his eyes, and Renjun wondered if he even deserved to be upset over this. He was the one who hurt Jisung.

Finally, Renjun slowly nodded. “Okay,” He choked out. “Okay, I’ll leave you alone.” His voice had gone quiet.

Jisung stumbled to the front door, fumbling into his shoes. He slipped on his jacket but zipping it up had proven to be a difficult task. He fumbled with it for a couple of seconds before ultimately deciding to give up. He’d leave it open.

“Jisung,” Renjun called out. Jisung didn’t know what compelled him to stop his exit and look over his shoulder. “You’ll be okay.”

Jisung wasn’t sure if he could believe him anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> i made a writing twt! @jiwisung :)


End file.
